@Parental Conflicts: Weaponizing the Children Against Your Ex

@Parental Conflicts: Weaponizing the Children Against Your Ex

Divorce, separation, or conflict between married partners is always difficult, especially when children are involved. The emotional toll on both the adults and the children is immense, and unfortunately, one parent—often the mother, but sometimes the father—may decide to keep the children away from the other parent. This separation often leads to the deprived parent being labeled as irresponsible, while the children grow up with a one-sided view of their parent’s role in their lives. This situation can deeply affect the children’s well-being, relationships, and overall development.

📌The Unseen Impact on Children

When a child is prevented from seeing one parent, they lose a vital part of their emotional foundation. Research shows that children benefit from both a mother’s nurturing and a father’s guidance, discipline, and support. Each parent offers something unique to a child’s growth. Fathers play a significant role in teaching boundaries, resilience, and security, while mothers often provide emotional warmth, understanding, and connection. When a parent is removed from this picture, the child loses the balanced influence both parents provide.

Children are also left confused and hurt when one parent speaks negatively about the other. They often internalize these comments, believing that if one parent is “bad” or “irresponsible,” then perhaps they are, too. This can lead to issues with self-esteem, identity, and trust, carrying these burdens into adulthood and affecting future relationships.

📌How Parental Alienation Develops

When one parent keeps the children away from the other, they often feel justified, whether out of hurt, anger, or a desire to control the situation. In some cases, they may start to downplay the other parent’s importance, even making accusations or false claims of irresponsibility to justify their actions. This process, known as parental alienation, can be extremely damaging. The children begin to believe negative stories about the alienated parent and may resist any efforts to reconnect. In the worst cases, children may grow to resent the absent parent without ever hearing their side of the story.

While the parent keeping the child may feel they’re “protecting” them, this approach actually hurts the child’s long-term development. No parent is perfect, and disagreements happen in every relationship. Children deserve the chance to see both parents for who they are and form their own relationships with them, free of biases or accusations.

📌The Importance of Both Parents’ Roles

Both parents bring invaluable perspectives, love, and support to their children’s lives. When one parent is kept away, the child misses out on half of their emotional and developmental foundation. Fathers, for example, often instill a sense of strength, discipline, and confidence, showing their children how to navigate challenges. They provide a unique presence that can’t simply be replaced or ignored.

On the other hand, accusing the absent parent of irresponsibility while denying them the opportunity to fulfill their role is deeply unfair. A parent can only be as responsible as they’re allowed to be. By blocking them from participating in the child’s life and then accusing them of being “absent,” the parent keeping the child may be fueling a false narrative that hurts everyone involved, especially the children.

📌Breaking the Cycle

For the sake of the children, it’s crucial to approach separation with a mindset of co-parenting. Even if hurt or anger exists between the parents, they should focus on what’s best for their children. Allowing children to have meaningful relationships with both parents gives them the emotional stability, identity, and love they need to thrive.

While the shattered relationship may be utterly irreconcilable and irredeemable, mature, open, honest communication between both parents about expectations, schedules, and boundaries can make a significant difference. While it may require setting aside personal grievances, finding a common ground for the children’s sake is essential. Even a small step toward shared parenting can give children the sense of security and trust they need to grow into balanced adults.

📌Conclusion

Separation and divorce are painful, but children shouldn’t have to bear the weight of adult conflict. Keeping children from one parent and weaponizing them against the absent parent hurts not only the parent but, more importantly, the children themselves. Children deserve the love, guidance, and influence of both parents to grow into resilient, well-rounded individuals. By putting aside differences and prioritizing their children’s needs, parents can provide a nurturing environment that supports their children’s long-term well-being, even after separation. Even if you remain obstinate, nature, time and karma has a way of resolving things. Remember, he who laughs last, laughs best!

Yours in life's twists and turns,

*@Otunba Femi Abiola, CMIE*

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*@Project Youth Fulfil*

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