When People Start Deserting You, What Went Wrong?

@When People Start Deserting You, What Went Wrong?

There is a point every leader should fear—not when one person leaves, not when an employee resigns, a church member relocates, a political associate changes allegiance, or a family member becomes distant, but when people begin leaving one after another, quietly and consistently, until departure becomes a pattern. They do not fight you. They do not insult you. They do not announce their grievances. They simply disappear. Some leave without notice; others leave without explanation. Then, rather than asking, “What have I done?”, we begin searching for demons, enemies, saboteurs, jealous competitors, disloyal followers and wicked advisers. Perhaps, sometimes, there are external forces. However, when good people keep leaving through the same door, at some point the honest leader must stop looking outside and look into the mirror. Maybe the problem is not who is leaving. Maybe the problem is why they no longer find it possible to stay.

Nobody is irreplaceable, that much is true. Organisations survive individuals. Churches continue after pastors. Schools continue after principals. Businesses continue after executives. Political movements survive politicians. Families continue after individual members depart. Yet there is another truth we often ignore: some people are difficult to replace because what they bring is not one skill but a rare combination of competence, character, capacity, commitment, loyalty, experience and relationships. When such people leave, the organisation may continue, but something is missing. Institutional memory disappears. Expertise walks away. Trust becomes thinner. The person who could solve problems quietly is no longer there. The one who could mobilise people, reconcile conflicts, mentor younger members, carry responsibility without being chased and sacrifice without making noise is gone. And sometimes, years later, the vacuum remains. The tragedy is that the leader may only appreciate the magnitude of the loss after the departure.

So, what makes people leave? Sometimes, it is not money. It is not lack of opportunity. It is not that they suddenly became proud, rebellious or ungrateful. Sometimes, people leave because of how they are consistently treated. They become tired of a leader who never listens unless the opinion agrees with his own. Tired of decisions that are always made before consultation. Tired of advice being requested only for decoration. Tired of their sacrifices being taken for granted. Tired of seeing others receive public credit for work they quietly built. Tired of being corrected publicly and appreciated privately, if appreciated at all. Tired of a leader who cannot say, “I was wrong.” Tired of an atmosphere where disagreement is interpreted as disloyalty and questioning is treated as rebellion. Tired of carrying responsibilities without recognition while watching leadership enjoy the visibility. People can endure difficulty when they feel valued; what becomes unbearable is feeling useful but unseen, loyal but untrusted, committed but continually diminished.

This is where leadership must become an honest exercise in self-diagnosis. Ask the difficult questions. Do people feel heard when they speak to you? Do you genuinely seek counsel, or do you merely seek confirmation? Do you give credit generously, especially when someone has made personal sacrifices for the collective good? Do you apologise when your decisions hurt people? Do you know the names, struggles, aspirations and contributions of the people who carry your vision? Do you make room for other people's ideas, or must every good idea ultimately become your idea? Have you surrounded yourself with people who tell you the truth, or only people who tell you what you like to hear? Leadership becomes dangerous when a person becomes so convinced of his own wisdom that every opposing voice sounds foolish. It becomes lonely when the leader is always right and everyone else is always the problem. And it becomes destructive when people discover that speaking honestly costs more than remaining silent.

The solution begins with humility. Stop counting departures and start investigating them. Where possible, create safe channels for honest feedback—confidential conversations, anonymous surveys, exit interviews, periodic one-on-one meetings and genuine consultation before major decisions. Do not punish people for telling you uncomfortable truths. Build a culture where disagreement can coexist with loyalty. Learn to appreciate people publicly and specifically, not merely with generic words of praise. Give credit where credit belongs. Share responsibility instead of hoarding authority. Develop successors rather than dependants. Read, learn, reflect and allow experience to correct you. When you are wrong, say so without excuses. When someone leaves, resist the immediate temptation to label them ungrateful. Ask what their departure is teaching you. A wise leader does not merely ask, “Why did they leave me?” He asks, “What did their leaving reveal about me?” If one person leaves, investigate. If several leave, reflect. If good people keep leaving, stop blaming the world. Dig deeper. Diagnose the culture. Examine your character. Reconsider your methods. The enemy may not be at the gate. The warning may be coming from the empty seats inside.

Yours in fulfilment,

@Otunba Dr Femi Abiola, MCE

@President

@Project Youth Fulfil

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