Before You Say “Yes”, Look Beyond The Packaging

@Before You Say “Yes”, Look Beyond The Packaging

One of the most painful things that can happen to a young person is to discover, after giving someone their heart, that the person they fell in love with was not the person they married. The laughter becomes tears. The sweet messages become silent treatments. The promises become excuses. The person who once made the heart feel safe becomes the reason it no longer feels at home. Sometimes, the tragedy is not that we chose the wrong person; it is that we ignored the signs because we were too desperate to believe the dream.

In contemporary Nigeria and across Africa, where social media can make everyone look successful and societal pressure can make marriage feel like a race, we must learn to look beyond packaging. Fine clothes, beauty, degrees, money, family name, church attendance, popularity or romantic gestures cannot tell us how someone will behave when the bills arrive, unemployment comes, children cry through the night or disagreements become unavoidable. Courtship is not merely a season for falling in love; it is a season for paying attention.

Look for the green flags. A healthy potential partner respects boundaries and does not demand access to every part of your life. They communicate honestly, listen when you speak and can disagree without insulting or humiliating you. They take responsibility for their mistakes and know how to say, “I was wrong.” They treat people with dignity, including those who cannot benefit them. They are reasonably responsible with money, work and commitments. They respect your ambitions rather than feeling threatened by them. They can discuss difficult subjects such as children, finances, career, faith, gender roles, extended family and where to live without turning every conversation into a battle. Most importantly, their character remains reasonably consistent whether they are trying to impress you or have already won your affection.

Then watch carefully for the red flags. Repeated lying. Controlling who you see, where you go or what you wear. Excessive jealousy disguised as love. Insults during disagreements. Refusal to accept correction. Manipulation through guilt, threats or emotional blackmail. Disrespect towards your parents or other people. Reckless spending and persistent financial irresponsibility. Constant blame for every failed relationship. Pressure for sex, money or marriage before you are ready. Isolation from friends and family. Cruelty towards animals or vulnerable people. A pattern of broken promises followed by beautiful apologies. One bad day does not define a person, but a repeated pattern should never be romanticised. Do not marry potential while ignoring present character.

Our families and communities have an important voice, yet the decision deserves more than social approval. Ask the uncomfortable questions before emotions become too deep: What does marriage mean to you? How should money be managed? What are your expectations about children and parenting? How will we handle responsibilities at home? What role should extended family play? How do you handle conflict? What happens when one partner earns more? What are your expectations around faith, career and personal freedom? A difficult conversation during courtship may save two people from a lifetime of painful assumptions.

Young people, please remember this: the person who gives you butterflies is not automatically the person who deserves your future. Choose character over charisma, consistency over chemistry, responsibility over display and peace over pressure. Do not let age, loneliness, family expectations or fear of “missing your chance” rush you into a lifetime decision. The right partner will not be perfect, because nobody is. The right partner will be willing to grow, willing to listen, willing to take responsibility and willing to build with you.

Before you say, “I do,” look closely at the person standing before you. Look at how they treat people. Look at how they handle anger. Look at how they respond to “No.” Look at their relationship with truth, money, responsibility and accountability. Look beyond the person they are when everything is going their way; look at the person they become when life does not go their way. That person may be the one you eventually live with. And choosing wisely today may save your heart from asking tomorrow, “Why didn't I see it when I had the chance?”

Yours in fulfilment,

@Otunba Dr Femi Abiola, MCE

@President

@Project Youth Fulfil

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